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Reflecting on 2015

I was just nosing around through some documents and found this gem, which was supposed to be posted in December. Dear Lovelies, that is so me. Anyway – I hope you enjoy!

Something has happened to me and I hope through the course of my rambling, I find a way to adequately express it, because I want this same something to happen to you.  

Once upon a time, I was a spiky-haired, not quite punk girl, who lived almost entirely on cigarettes and coffee. I wrote bad poetry and hung out with people who knew things about the world I didn’t, people who made things, with their very own hands, and seemed way cooler than I would ever be. I was anti-government (meaning I vowed to just stay out of it), I was anti-children and I was always running from something. I thought I was free. I laugh now when I think about that girl. When I find her journal entries filled with all of her certainty and finality. Her unwavering love for one or another, her desire to be saved by one or another. Oof, painful, but man, I swear that girl tried. She always tried to be good and then better.  

The distance between that girl and this woman sometimes feels like an eternity, other times a matter of days. The truth is, 18 years have passed between then and now and a lot has happened. Some good, some bad. Some intentional, some inevitable, and some downright gut wrenching.  

Many of those people, the ones who seemed cooler than I would ever be, in fact were and thus, we are rarely in touch. As the years stretch between us, I watch from afar, sometimes lurk for a few on Facebook, but I don’t fit there anymore, with those people, and I’m okay with that.  We stay polite. The first time I voted, I cried. I cried each time after. I’m now pregnant with my third child. That unwavering love has gone full circle, next year I will marry my first love. I’m still writing bad poetry, but people like it. My book is coming out next month and most days I don’t know how I got here.

So many things in the world don’t make sense right now, but I’m trying to find the good stuff. I hope you are too. I hope you are trusting your gut a little more each day. I hope you are saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I hope you are doing YOU. Not who they want you to be or who you wish you were, but the you right here, right now. The absolutely perfect you.

As I reflect on 2015, I don’t feel as I often do when a year comes to a close: full of dread, regret, dissatisfaction. I feel happy, secure, dare I say, optimistic.

So what has changed?

I say “yes” way more, especially when I’m afraid. I’ve been saying yes when my old self would say no and it has cracked my world wide open. Saying yes to things that don’t scare you is easy. In doing so, you are often saying yes to things that are safe and familiar. You are not challenging yourself, you are not testing your boundaries or seeking growth. Cut it out. Say yes when you feel like you might shit your pants. That means you’re doing it right.

Here’s to you 2015 and all of your “shit your pants” moments. Thank you for allowing me to see me. As I enter a new year, I am filled with gratitude. I am thankful for a body that never gives up, a body that carries and grows amazing little babies that grow into amazing little humans, who make me laugh and count my blessings every day. I am thankful for a mind that doesn’t believe the hype. I am thankful for eyes that show me the truth about myself, even if I only grasp it for seconds at a time (baby steps). I am thankful for a Universe that brings love into my life, the kind I need most, in the form of a man who is my literal other half. A man who knows me upside and down, who knows when to push and when to pull. This man who traded in a life of selfish, for a life of selfless.

How lucky am I? Perhaps only I can know.

How lucky are you? Take a look around and let me know.

XOXO

Janaya

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